The Adventures of Bud & Herb

The Adventures of Bud & Herb
S01E03: A Nemesis Foretold
===

Bud: The sleepy, idyllic town of Mystra's Glen is home to a predator. A beast walks the outskirts silent, yet deadly. Who will fall prey to its nightmarish stench? This is Mysteries of the Verdant Valley.

Okay, I think we're rolling. Welcome back to another episode of Mysteries of the Verdant Valley, I'm Bud.

Herb: And I'm Herb.

Bud: We're coming to you from the kitchen of Herb's workplace, The Tasty Nugget.

Herb: I had to come in to work. Geoff watch the poblanos, they're burning.

Bud: Sorry about that, folks. Herb got called in to work to prepare for a big catering event. In an interesting turn, since our last episode, Mayor "Thoughts and Prayers" Dinglehopper is now holding a fundraiser so that Rosie don't gotta work while they, quote, devote all their resources to bringing [00:01:00] little Theo home as soon as possible, end quote.

Herb: Chick gave Rosie paid leave. These bigwigs just want to look like they're doing something, but they don't give two hoots about the Diggles. It's bull@#$%.

Bud: It's total BS. And you know, as far as we can tell, the sheriff and his deputies ain't been doing nothing more than they said before. Which is essentially waiting around for Theo just to come home.

Herb: It's all gaslighting, and it's horrible, and just thinking of little Theo out there all alone it makes me want to RAGE!

Bud: Oh boy. Uh oh, here we go. Oh, oh, oh, ow!

Woo! Oh my god, alright, alright. Woo! Herb! Herb, Herb, Herb, Herb, Herb. Simmer down, simmer down. You are going to destroy all of your, uh, whatever them things are. What, what are those? What you cooking?

Herb: These? Oh, I'm making enchiladas.

Bud: That's what you're making for the fundraiser? Right?

Herb: Yeah, I'm making enchiladas, some muskrat tacos, fried pickles, Tatarian totchos, corn dogs, and @#$% on a shingle. Yeah, Rosie, gave me a list of all of Theo's favorite foods.

Bud: I ain't gonna lie, that sounds good. Um, okay, all right, well, why don't you hurry up and get all that cooked and then we'll get back out on the trail to find little Theo, okay?

Herb: Don't rush me, Bud! I'm almost done! Geoff! The poblanos!

Bud: Y'all do not want to get on Herb's bad side, I tell you what, okay? Okay, uh, uh, Herb, while you're cooking, why don't you and I just go over what we know, all right?

Herb: Alright.

Bud: Okay, so when we last left off, we had talked to Rosie and Dougie Diggle and learned all kinds of crazy stuff that is super sus.

Herb: Theo has an imaginary friend named Todd and has been following him out into the woods.

Bud: Uh huh, yeah, that's right. He's been acting all strange like for a hot minute, wandering off and whatnot, not coming home on time.

Herb: And then he disappeared sometime last night, I guess. Geoff! The poblanos!

Bud: And, as we know, the legend of the Walker says that someone goes missing when it is sighted. But why do some people go missing when the walker is seen? Do they just vanish into thin air? Are they eaten up? Nobody knows, but up to this point, we've been operating under the assumption that the two things are directly connected.

Herb: Oh, heh, they're connected.

Bud: Yeah, Herb is completely convinced that they're connected. And me, not so much. You know, I kept trying to keep an open mind, a scientific mind, but they very well may be. However, we found some hard evidence that there's something else at play here.

Herb: The augury card.

Bud: The augury card and a devil circle. Evidence left behind, not by some mindless beast, but a person. Herb, it's a conspiracy.

Herb: It's a conspiracy.

Bud: Who is this mysterious person? Clearly someone who traffics in the devilish and demonic arts. A person like Gerty McGillicuddy.

Herb: Wait, wait, hold on, what? No, no, no, no. Gerty is Rosie's friend.

Chick: Gerty McGillicuddy. That old bat? Is she gonna be on your mushroom cast thingy?

Bud: Oh hey, Chick. Uh, thanks for letting us record back here. Folks out there, this is Chick Nugget, owner of The Tasty Nugget. Uh, say hi, Chick.

Chick: Oh, uh, hello. Listen, Herb, the mayor's office feels like the menu for tonight is a little eclectic, and they're requesting a few changes. Can you whip up something a little more adult themed?

Herb: Adult themed? What?! These motherflippers over at the Mayor's office, I'll give them a gargoyle's gooch chance in hell at changing my menu! I've already made 12 pans of enchiladas and 20 pounds of totchos!

Chick: I know, I know, I know, uh, Herb I'm, I'm sorry, I'm real sorry about that. Can you whip up just, you know, something simple, just maybe some kind of chicken thing?

Herb: I'LL WHIP YOUR ASS WITH SOME KIND OF CHICKEN THING, OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA RAAAGE!

Chick: I know, I know. Look the customer is always right and we gotta keep this catering contract with the mayor's office, okay?

Bud: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Wow.

Chick: Okay, well, I'll, I'll just leave you to it.

Bud: Yeah, yeah, you should probably just leave Herb to it, Chick, but don't you worry, I'll get Herb just to calm down a little bit, m'kay? Uh, but say, before you go, you called Gerty McGillicuddy that old bat. Uh, it sounds like maybe y'all have some history.

Chick: Oh, well, not me personally, but I know plenty of folks who have been taken by that old trickster.

Bud: Ooh, trickster. What you mean?

Chick: Well, I don't want to start any drama.

Bud: Oh, no, no, no. Don't you worry about that. This'll be off the record. Yeah, go on.

Chick: Okay, okay. So, Gerty claims to be able to speak with the dead.

Bud: Oh, wow, really? So she's like a cleric or a priest, something like that?

Chick: No, nothing like that. She channels people's spirits from beyond the grave and charges a hefty chunk of change for folks to talk to their dearly departed through her.

Bud: Oh, wow. Okay, so she's more than just a fortune teller, then.

Chick: She'd like you to believe she's a spiritual medium,

Bud: Oh, okay, but

Chick: But it's, all an act. She isn't talking to the dead. She just puts on a good show with dry ice, smoke, and levers to make the table go up and down. You know, stuff like that.

Bud: Wow, a charlatan, huh?

Chick: Well, some people say she's the real deal, but I wouldn't go to her, just saying.

Bud: Okay, well, thank you for that insight, chick, I 'preciate ya.

Chick: Herb, I'll check back in with you in a little bit. Ugha

Herb: Okay, chick. I'm sorry. I've got this. Don't worry.

Bud: Herb, did you hear that? Gerty McGillicuddy is a low down dirty trickster. She's fleecing people out of their hard earned coin.

Herb: Oh, I saw Gerty once.

Bud: You did not!

Herb: I did too! She let me talk to Mama Parsnips. It was actually really lovely.

Bud: What? No, Herb. She's good for this. She is good for this. I'm telling you.

Herb: Come on Bud, she's nice.

Bud: Is she though? Look, look, let's look at what we know. One, she claims to be a fortune teller and deals in occult, devilish, and demonic divination practices.

Herb: Just because something is demonic, doesn't mean it's bad.

Bud: Two! She claims to be able to channel the dead so that people might be able to speak with their lost loved ones.

Herb: I don't know, it seemed pretty real to me.

Bud: Three, she performs augury readings. Augury readings, Herb, and she's connected to the Diggle family. Don't you see? It all fits!

Herb: She babysits the boys though. Rosie made it sound like she really cares about them.

Bud: Well, maybe she cares about him too much. Maybe she wanted little Theo all to herself. So she created a devil circle to bewitch Dougie while she absconded with Theo in the night. Maybe she's got Theo chained up in her basement right now. She's fattening him up to feast upon his body.

Herb: I don't know.

Bud: Herb, we got to get down there and confront her and save little Theo before he gets turned into a pie.

Herb: Okay, okay Bud, okay. Slow down. Just because we found an augury card doesn't mean that it's linked to Gerty.

Bud: Well, uh, I mean, okay, what do you propose, then?

Herb: Well, I mean, I do think we should go down there to talk to her.

Bud: Okay, good. Right. Yeah, let's go.

Herb: Just to talk to her. If she's an expert on augury, maybe she can tell us more about this card. And since she's been babysitting the boys, she could tell us a little bit more about Theo, too.

Bud: Gods damn it, Herb. Why are you attacking me with that stone cold logic?

Herb: Look, I've gotta plan this new menu out, and then we can get going, okay? Geoff!

Geoff: Yes, chef.

Herb: Here's the menu: to start, warm goat cheese and tomato tartlet. Entree, pan seared scallops with saffron risotto and a wild baby arugula salad. Dessert, chocolate cardamom cream tart with a pistachio sesame brittle.

Bud: And now, a word from the mayor of Mystra's, Glen. Eustace Dinglehopper.

Mayor Dinglehopper: Good people of Mystra's Glen, join us on the 31st of Leafturn for the 200th Annual Mystra's Glen Harvest Festival! Brought to you this year by our friends at MyComm, where mushrooms and magic meet! And Breadbasket. Savor the flavor of homegrown delights! To commemorate this bicentennial anniversary, we're putting together the biggest, most exciting Harvest Festival ever!

Strap in, this will be one for the record books! Our harvest was unprecedented this year, and we're celebrating with not one, not two, but five eating contests! You think you have what it takes to be the champion? Try your luck in one of these categories: Sausages, Autumnal Pies, Chili, Muffins, and Fish! And this year, MyComm is sponsoring a Mushroom Pudding Contest!

The winning pudding takes home a brand new MyComm MycoWave! And that's just the beginning! This year's Harvest Festival will also play host to the Battle of the Bards and the inaugural Create a Scarecrow competition. The scariest, most blood curdling scarecrow will take home the Scare Crown and have the honor of watching over next year's crop.

And don't forget to get lost in the Haunted Corn Maze! So you see, whether you're young or young at heart, we'll have something for everyone at the 200th Annual Mystra's Glen Harvest Festival!

Bud: Harvest Festival!

Haha!

Okay, we are outside Gerty McGillicuddy's house of horrors, where she kidnaps and devours young children.

Herb: Bud, for the last time, we are only going to speak with Gerty. We're not going to be throwing any accusations around.

Bud: But, but, but,

Okay?

Herb: Just let me do the talking.

Bud: Okay, alright.

Herb: Hmm, maybe she's not home.

Bud: Okay then, this is our chance to get inside. We're gonna do some snoopin' before she gets back.

Herb: Bud, maybe she is at Spriggy's. We should just go see if she's there.

Bud: Well, okay, but what if she has Theo locked up in the basement and we just turn around and left and then he got all masticated? How would you feel about that, Herb?

Herb: Not, not good.

Bud: Not good, exactly right. So, let's just take a look around, find all the evidence against her, and then save Theo, alright?

Herb: Mmmm, okay.

Bud: Okay. So first things first, let's get this door open. Let me just get out my trusty lockpicking tools. Did I ever show you these?

Herb: No, these look new.

Bud: Oh, they are new. Just take a close look. Mmm. Smell that? That is the finest money

can buy right there. Ain't no lock can keep old Bud out when he's got these babies.

Mmm, alright here we go. Oh yeah, ain't nothin' this thing can't pick.

Yep. Nope. Just wait for it. Okay.

Bud: What the @#$%, man?

Herb: What, what happened?

Bud: My lock pick, it's broke. What the @#$%?

Herb: See, Bud? I think that's a sign. We probably should not be breaking into her

house. Let's go try to look for her

Bud: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There ain't no place that can keep Crygglinexxerflump Buddlicker out, we're just gonna have to find another way in. Okay, look around. All right, let's try this window here.

Herb: Bud, c'mon.

Bud: No I can, I can get it. I can just shimmy it with my knife. Let me get my, see, okay. And then just get it in there. What the @$%? Come on, man, that's my favorite shimmying knife.

Herb: Wow, you're really having bad luck today.

Bud: Naw, naw, this ain't luck, man. It's this place. It's like a fortress. You know what that means? She's, she's hiding something in there. Whoa, hang on a minute. Herb, I think she's, I think Gerty's in there.

Herb: She's in there?

Bud: She, she's in there, over there. Look, in the dark, she's just sitting there, man. Oh god, that's spooky as hell. Oh yeah, man, that's giving me chills.

Herb: Gerty GertyGertygert GGerty we know you're in there! I It's Herb and Bud! We we need to talk to you!

Gerty, hello?

Bud: Herb she ain't budged. She ain't budged none. Maybe she's, ooh, maybe she's in a food coma from eating little Theo. Or maybe she's dead.

Herb: Or maybe she's sick. We gotta help her, Bud.

Bud: Ooh, Nelly, Herb, you just gonna break down the door?

Herb: We gotta get in there. Ow! Maybe it's jammed.

Bud: Keep trying, keep trying, you almost got it, put your shell into it.

Herb: Okay, this door, it must be reinforced or something.

Bud: I'm telling you man, this house is like a fortress. It's alright though, this happens to everybody once in a while, okay. I don't know, what else can we do?

Herb: Oh look, look, look, look, there's an open window up on the second floor.

Bud: Oh, yeah. Uh huh. There sure is. But, um, how's that gonna help us? I mean, we ain't got a ladder or nothing.

Herb: Fastbud special.

Bud: Uh, what? No, whoa. Whoa, whoa. No, No, No, no, no.

Herb: Come here, come here. It's our only way inside.

Bud: Herb, no, no, no. No. You know I don't like this. No, No, no. I'm not ready. Herb, let me go.

Herb: Keep your knees together, exhale on the landing.

Bud: Herb, no.

Herb: One, two, three.

Bud: No, no AHHHHHHH!

Herb: Oops,

Bud: Gods damn it Herb! We gotta work on your aim, man.

Herb: Sorry. Hurry! Come let me in! Uh, you okay Bud?

Bud: Yeah, I'll live . Good news, I landed on a pile of laundry, so that broke my fall.

Herb: Bad news?

Bud: It was Gerty's dirty underwears.

Herb: Gerty!

Gerty! Gerty!

Bud: Herb, I think she's dead.

Herb: Oh no!

Bud: Do you think she just died? Or did somebody murderize her?

Herb: Maybe they did. Maybe she knew too much?

Bud: God, Herb, Herb, we gotta get rid of the body. Think about it, Herb. We done broke into her house. Our fingerprints are all over this place. We are prime suspects.

Herb: Oh no. We're prime suspects. What are we gonna do?

Bud: Oh, okay, okay, okay. I think, think, Bud think. We could put her body in a vat of acid.

Herb: Do you have any acid?

Bud: Yeah, a little.

Herb: Oh, you do?

Bud: Yeah, sure. I mean, you never know when you need to melt something.

Herb: Do you have enough to melt Gerty?

Bud: Well, probably not to melt her whole body, but we could maybe melt her face and her hands.

Herb: Hmm, gross. I don't think that's gonna do it.

Bud: No, no, that's probably not gonna do it. Okay, what else? Um, we could chop her up. You got your butcher knives?

Herb: Always, but that'll be pretty

Bud: Nasty. Yeah. @#$% Herb, what the @#$% are we gonna do, man? We're gonna go to jail, Herb.

No. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. What, what if we just take her out back, and we dig a nice big hole, and then we just put her down in there, and then

Bud: God. f#$%. Herb, hoo that scared the living @$#% outta me, man. me,

Herb: Wow, I am so glad we didn't have to dismember her.

Bud: Oh, yeah, totally, totally.

Herb: Gerty, Gerty! Wake

Bud: up!

Gerty! Wake up, man. Wake the up. Where's Theo? Gerty. Herb she is, wow, she's really sound sleeper. Gerty. Try her a nudge.

Herb: No, you do it!

Bud: You do it.

Herb: You do it.

Bud: You do it.

Herb: No, you do it.

Bud: You do it.

Herb: You do it!

Bud: You do it! it. Not it. Not it.

Herb: Oh god. Fine, fine, wait a minute, oh, oh, okay, I have an idea. Bud, on the shell garden, third row down from the top on the left.

Bud: Okay. Yeah? What am I looking for?

Herb: Okay, do you see the red onions?

Bud: Yeah.

Herb: Okay, grab one.

Bud: Okay. Here. Here you go.

Herb: Did you know that the humble red onion is the most pungent of all the onion species?

Bud: Hmm. No, I did not.

Herb: It is nature's smelling salt. Gerty does not wake up with this, nothing will get her up.

Gerty: What in the heavens?

Herb: Red onion. Works every time.

Gerty: Herb, is that you? What are you doing in my house? You scared me half to death.

Herb: Well, thought you were dead, so we came in to save you.

Gerty: Thought I was dead, I was sleeping.

Herb: You were so asleep. Like the soundest sleep I've ever seen.

Bud: That's right. You were sleeping the sound sleep of the guilty.

Gerty: Who in the Gods below are you?

Herb: Gerty, this is my best friend and fungcast partner, Bud. We're investigating the Cinderwood Walker and the disappearance of Theo Diggle.

Gerty: Disappearance of Theo? What are you talking about?

Bud: Oh, please. We know all about how you've been stalking the Diggle family.

Gerty: What in the Gods names are you talking about?

Bud: Where were you last night between the hours of 5:00pm and midnight?

Gerty: I was playing Tathesia Hold 'em with Spriggy Bloomwhistle down at the temple.

Bud: Down at the temple, huh? A likely story.

Gerty: Go ask her yourself. Herb, what is going on here?

Herb: Well, Gerty, Theo went missing last night.

Bud: And you took him!

Gerty: Why would you think I took Theo? I love those children.

Bud: Exactly. You're obsessed with Theo. You wanted him for your very own, so you snatched him at the dead of night. But possessing him weren't enough. You had to absorb his whole being into your own. So you took him down to your basement to fatten him up and turn him into Diggle pie. Confess, witch!

Gerty: Just stop! What is going on here? You're saying Theo's wandered off again.

Herb: There's evidence that maybe somebody took him.

Bud: Yeah, show her, Herb.

Herb: We found this card outside of Rosie's house. Do you recognize this?

Gerty: Sure, it's a beast card.

Herb: Do you have any idea how something like this would end up outside of Rosie's house?

Gerty: Well, yes. I left it there.

Bud: Confession! Confession!

Oh my Gods, we got her, Herb! You heard that? She's a halfling child eating freak!

Herb: Bud, can I talk to you for a minute in private, please?

Bud: Okay. What's up?

Herb: You're coming on a bit strong.

Bud: I know, we got her on the ropes.

Herb: Bud, Gerty didn't eat Theo. You heard her, she has an alibi.

Bud: Yeah, it's a little thin.

Herb: Why don't you let me handle this interview?

Bud: Well, but, come on, man.

Herb: Do you trust me?

Bud: Yeah, of course I do.

Herb: Then I got this. Okay?

Bud: Okay. Yeah, you got this.

Herb: Thanks. Okay, Gerty, follow up question. Why did you leave this outside Rosie's house?

Gerty: It was part of a ward against evil to protect the Diggles.

Herb: Protect the Diggles from what exactly?

Gerty: Look, you'd better sit down. It's a long story. Okay, where do I start? I babysit the boys for Rosie sometimes. You know, when Rosie has to pick up a night shift or sometimes they'll come in after school while Rosie's still at The Tasty Nugget. They're sweet boys. I give Dougie a silver to help around the shop and Theo will just sit in the corner and draw.

He'll entertain himself for hours and hours just drawing pictures.

Herb: How does this connect to the Beast card exactly, though?

Gerty: You see, a couple of weeks ago, the boys were here. It was just like any other day, except Theo was especially quiet. A little out of it, I don't know. I figured maybe he was coming down with something. Anyways, they go home around 2:00pm. They leave and I was just picking up after them when I found Theo's sketchbook. He had left behind by accident.

It's quite beautiful. It's all covered with real flowers woven into the pages like it was druidcrafted or something. Anyway, I flip through it and I am just amazed at the drawings. He's extremely good for a child his age. So I'm flipping through, and it's you know, trees and flowers and squirrels and forest creatures of all kinds, and then I get to this page, and a chill just shoots up my spine.

Herb: Oh. Because of the drawing?

Gerty: Part of it was what he had drawn, and part of it was how he drew it.

Herb: Oh.

Gerty: It wasn't like anything else in the book. All of his other drawings are done so carefully and are so beautiful, but this one was, I don't know, violent? Like, scribbled, frenzied.

Bud: What was it?

Gerty: I don't know what else to call it except a beast. This big, black, scary thing with giant antlers and terrifying, evil, yellow eyes. And he wrote a name next to it.

Herb: A name?

Gerty: Todd.

Herb: Todd!

Bud: Todd!

Gerty: Does that mean something to you?

Bud: Holy @#$%. Herb Todd

Herb: is Cinderwood Walker!

Gerty: Todd is the what?

Herb: Rosie said Todd is Theo's new imaginary friend. But what you just described sounds exactly like the Cinderwood Walker.

Gerty: You mean, like, the urban legend?

Bud: Oh, it's more than a legend, man.

Herb: We saw it with our own two eyes.

Gerty: What you're saying is the thing in my vision was the Cinderwood Walker.

Herb: Vision? What vision?

Bud: Yeah.

Gerty: When I saw the drawing of the beast, I had one of my visions, you know, where I see the future, or at least a future. Usually, I have them when I'm at my crystal ball, and I'm doing it on purpose. It's more controlled, but this was different, intense, and chaotic the way dreams can be.

All of a sudden I wasn't here anymore. I was standing outside Rosie's house. It was early evening, still light out, and I could see Rosie and Dougie and Theo in the window. Rosie was making dinner, and the boys were doing their homework. The hair went up on the back of my neck. I sensed a presence behind me.

I turned to look, and there was no one there. So I turned back to the window, and all of a sudden it was night. Pitch black outside. And then it hit me. The smell. It was so bad I could hardly describe it. Like a decomposing skunk, but much, much worse. Instantly, my nose, my eyes, everything was burning. In front of me was the beast from Theo's drawing.

It was massive, taller than their house, just standing there, staring at them, maybe 20 feet away. It seemed like it wanted to get closer, but it couldn't. When I looked at the window, Rosie was gone, Dougie was by the MycoWave, frozen, and Theo was looking out the window at this thing.

Herb: What then?

Gerty: Well, then I woke up.

Herb: Oh.

Bud: Okay. So it was a dream.

Gerty: Honestly, I wasn't sure. I'm still not. Like I said, it wasn't like my regular divinations. But either way, it ended and I was here again, back in my body. I immediately went over to Rosie's that evening. I saw them there through the window. Everything looked normal and fine. They looked happy.

Herb: Did you tell them about your vision?

Gerty: Oh, gods, no. I didn't want to scare them.

I mean, what was I going to say? I had a bad dream that a big stinky monster was looking in their window? Best case, they would have thought I was crazy. Worst case, they would have gotten all worked up over nothing. Even if it was a vision, those are not necessarily what will happen, but what might happen.

Herb: Okay, so what did you do next then?

Gerty: That's when I left the Circle of Protection and the Beast Card. Even if it was probably nothing, I figured it wouldn't hurt to leave a little protective magic, you know? And that was two weeks ago.

Herb: Hmm. Rosie told us that the last two weeks Theo has been less out of it, more engaged, more himself.

Bud: Yeah, whatever you did seemed to be working.

Gerty: And now, Theo is gone?

Bud: Vanished without a trace.

Herb: I'll bet you anything that Theo made pals with the Walker and has been lured to his lair. We gotta find him before he's compost.

Bud: Oh man, but what are we gonna do? We're just at another dead end. The card was our best lead, and now what?

Herb: Gerty, you can see the future.

Bud: Oh, yeah.

Herb: You can tell us where Theo is.

Bud: Herb, you're a Gods damned genius.

Gerty: I wish I could, but

Bud: What? But what? Just break out that crystal ball.

Gerty: I can't.

Herb: Why not?

Gerty: I lost it.

Bud: Uh you lost your, how do you lose a crystal ball?

Gerty: I lost it in a bet.

Bud: Okay. So you lost your crystal ball in a game of Tathesia Hold 'em, is what you're saying.

Gerty: Have a problem, okay? Get off my back.

Herb: Do you have anything else for visioning?

Gerty: Channeling, and no, that was it.

Bud: But you're saying if you did have a crystal ball, that you think you could help us find Theo.

Gerty: I think so. It's worth a shot anyway.

Bud: Great. Let's just go get another one.

Gerty: Okay, have you got a thousand gold pieces just lying around?

Bud: A thousand what the @#$%s?

Gerty: Well, they're not inexpensive, and even if you had the gold, this is little old Mystra's Glen, not Aurelion. It's not like you could just pop down to the shop and pick one up. I had to go all the way to Crestbridge City to get mine.

Herb: Well, who'd you lose it to? Maybe they'd let us borrow it.

Bud: Oh, good idea.

Gerty: Milky Bob. I'm sure he would have let you borrow it, but he already pawned it at old Barlow Bristlebottom's.

Bud: Oh no! Barlow, man. Nuh uh. That old skin flint ain't never gonna let us borrow it.

Herb: We gotta try though.

Bud: Oh, gods. Okay. All right, yeah, we gotta try. Okay, so Gerty, here's what's gonna happen. Herb and I, we're gonna go by old Barlow Bristlebottom's and see if we can't talk him into a deal to get your crystal ball back, and then we're gonna bring it back here so you can give us a good vision, alright?

Gerty: Alright, if you two can go get the ball, I'll run to Rosie's and grab something of Theo's. It'll help to have something of his for the scry. I will meet you back here this evening.

Bud: Herb, let's get to stepping.

Herb: Let's go!

Bud: Alright, we are standing outside Barlow Bristlebottom's pawn shop. We are going to attempt to talk old Barlow into helping us with this crystal ball situation.

Herb: He'll help us out, right? I mean, a little boy's life is at stake.

Bud: Well, maybe, you know, he's not a bad guy, but he is an ornery old coot. However, there is one thing we can try, though.

Herb: Oh, what's that?

Bud: Barlow has had his eye on something at my shop, Crygglinexxerflump's Curiosities, for a while now.

Herb: Okay, what is it he's looking for?

Bud: Have you ever heard of Blasphor's Magical Diapers?

Herb: No, I didn't know there were magical diapers.

Bud: Oh yeah, oh sure there are.

Herb: Well, what do they do? How are they magical?

Bud: Well, I'm glad you asked. When somebody, I mean I suppose a baby, does a number one or number two in these diapers, they magically transmute the poopy into a mixture of 95 percent oxygen and 5 percent powdered talcum.

Herb: Oh, I mean, a little weird, but definitely useful for the right circumstances, I guess. Sure.

Bud: I mean, I suppose so. Maybe you're out at a concert or something, and you don't want to leave your spot, or maybe you're standing in line. I don't know.

Herb: Or you've got little hatchlings, you know, they make a lot of number 1s and 2s, yeah.

Bud: Right. Sure. yeah, for babies. That's what I meant. It's super weird to me, but you know they come with the crib that'll rock itself, whatever. Barlow never seemed very interested in the crib, but he been wanting them diapers for a hot minute.

Herb: If he doesn't want the crib, do you think he wants the diapers for himself?

Bud: He is kind of old. So,

Herb: Okay, well, let's see if he'll trade for 'em I guess.

Bud: Yep, yep, yep, let's give it a shot.

Oh,

Barlow: Welcome to Barlow's can I help you today?

Bud: Oh hey there, Barlow. Still keeping the ancient artifacts safe from extinction, I see.

Barlow: Buddlicker.

Bud: And, this is my best friend and investigative partner, Herb.

Herb: Hi!

Barlow: Investigative?. What are you investigating?

Bud: Oh, well, funny you should ask, you've probably heard about little Theo Diggle disappearing.

Barlow: Oh, of course, it's a shame. An absolute shame.

Bud: Well, Herb and I, here, are looking into it.

Barlow: You two are looking for that boy?

That poor child is as good as dead.

Herb: Hey, that's not funny.

Bud: Yeah man, alright, that's @#$%ed up. Look, Barlow, we understand you've recently come into possession of something that we need for our investigation.

Barlow: What's that?

Bud: It's a crystal ball, formerly belonging to one Gerty McGillicuddy.

Barlow: Ah, I see.

Bud: And, and, and, I know what you're about to say, but I am prepared to make you an offer you cannot refuse.

Barlow: Are you now?

Bud: You give us the crystal ball and I will give you them diapers you've been wanting.

Barlow: Keep your voice down.

Bud: Oh, okay. Oh, sorry. You don't want people knowing that you're in the market for some diapers.

Barlow: That's not an even trade, the ball is worth far more than the diapers.

Bud: Oh, sure on the open market I suppose that might be true but I'm guessing these diapers are worth a whole lot more to you than just money.

Barlow: What are you implying?

Bud: Nothing. You've just been eyeing them diapers for a hot minute is all. So, what's it gonna be?

Barlow: Well I wish I could help you, but I can't.

Herb: Come on, you'd be helping us find Theo.

Barlow: I can't because I've already sold it.

Bud: You what? To who?

Barlow: Please, I won't reveal the names of my private customers. Now, if there's nothing else.

Bud: Are you @#$%in' serious right now?

Barlow: Deadly.

Bud: Oh boy, alright. Barlow, you do not want to piss off Herb here, okay? So, look, I know you. Everything's got a price, right? Give us that name and you can start @#$%in' your pants without everybody knowing, okay?

Barlow: Fine deal.

Bud: Okay, good.

Barlow: Diapers first.

Bud: Look, I'll get Pickle to bring them around. Don't you worry. Now let's go. Come on.

Barlow: No. Not good enough.

Bud: Oh man, okay. Oh, alright. It's like that, huh? Well, I guess you just don't want him that bad after all. Herb, we can find another way to get that name. Let's go.

Barlow: Fine. The Mayor.

Bud: Say what?

Barlow: Mayor Eustace Dinglehopper.

Bud: Are you joking me?

Barlow: No. Cross my heart and hope to die.

Bud: Wow. Okay. All right. Nice doing business with you, Barlow. 'Preciate ya. Herb, let's skedaddle.

Barlow: I had better see those diapers today

Bud: Oh, oh, oh, oh, absolutely. Absolutely. End of week at the latest, Barlow. Uh, bye now.

Herb: Wow, Bud. The Mayor has Gerty's crystal ball? We could try to buy it off of him, but we don't have the money for it, and, I mean, we could ask him, maybe, to let us borrow it. I mean, we're in the same situation as we were with Barlow, except now it's with the Mayor, and he's a total bag of dicks.

Bud: Well, I mean, I don't know about that. Yes, the fundraiser tonight is, is gross.

Herb: So gross.

Bud: But it's just politics, man. Even if they're raising money for Rosie because of optics to make them look good. It is still good for Rosie and Dougie, ain't it?

Herb: Well, I guess so, yeah, yeah.

Bud: Look, he's probably a reasonable guy.

Herb: Okay, so then let's go ask him if we can borrow it.

Bud: Well, not so fast.

Herb: What do you mean, Bud? You're giving me whiplash here.

Bud: He's going to be busy with the fundraiser all day today, right? It's best not to disturb him while he's doing that. He's going to be focused on something. You know, it's just gonna be

Herb: Yeah.

Bud: awkward.

Herb: Right, okay, so if we can't disturb him, then what do we do?

Bud: I am 100 percent certain. He will not mind if we use the crystal ball to find Theo, right? All we gotta do is get it to Gerty and back before the fundraiser's even over. Ain't nobody even gonna notice.

Herb: Oh, Bud. Are you saying that we're gonna break into Castle Dinglehopper?

Bud: Okay, okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not saying, haha, not saying that. I'm just saying we're gonna save the Mayor the stress of loaning it to us by going and picking it up ourselves.

Herb: Oh. Okay.

Bud: Yeah. Okay, you ready?

Herb: Yeah.

Bud: Let's go.

The Adventures of Bud and Herb is brought to you by The Pocket Dimension. Created and written by Anna Fitzgerald and Evan Bivins. Episode three, A Nemesis Foretold, stars Evan Bivins as Crygllinexxerflump "Bud" Budlicker, Barlow Bristlebottom, and additional voices, Anna Fitzgerald as Herb, Colby McHugh as Chick Nugget, Alison Kendrick as Gerty McGillicuddy, and Alejandro Tey as Mayor Eustace Dinglehopper. Directed by Sarah Mobley. Produced and edited by Anna Fitzgerald, Evan Bivins, Matthew Bivins, and Alison Kendrick.

Sound design by Evan Bivins. Original character art and poster by Bridgit Connell. Special thanks to Alejandro Tey and Greg Hess. Please consider supporting our show by becoming a Patron at patreon.com/enterthepocketdimension or find us on YouTube and all other socials @EnterthePocketDimension.